Challenging Interactions in Relationships

Just like for most people, I had learned how to act and interact with others through observation. Our young minds scour the environment and soak up the subtle ways that mommy talks to daddy, daddy talks to mommy, how they talk to their brothers and sisters and parents and friends and so on and so on. If it happens, we detect the tension or lightness in their voices or gestures without really knowing it. Then we embark on our own social adventures with school, clubs, summer programs, with adults and friends and even enemies, alike, along the way. Our interactions make up a good part of the stories of our lives. Some of the interactions we find ourselves in come with the challenges we face as we navigate life. These challenges can be learning where we fit in in our families or school or work; who we can rely on and how we will be treated if we are scared or upset; how we overcome the fear of new environments and new people; what joy means for us and those around us; even how capable we are at completing tasks. But I’ve found that there are some common subtexts in interactions that we often miss.

One of the subtexts that is implicit in some interactions can take on the form of, “What are you going to do if…” It’s not necessarily a formal articulation that we perceive (although for some people it could be), but rather something you can sense, particularly in hindsight. It took me a rather long time to realize the presence of this subtext as being a rather not-so-innocent part of my interactions. “What are you going to do if…” can be a very devastating prefix to underpin our interactions. I’ve interpreted it as needing to react defensively and protect myself from the harshness of perceived accusations and provocations. “What are you going to do if…” touches the moments in my life when I’ve felt shame, disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger, or fear because I didn’t know what to do. Those moments had left a mark on me on how I should have responded, defended myself and bravely overcame the emotional pitfalls of my life. “What are you going to do if…” is the renewed challenge to right a wrong I once suffered. “What are you going to do if…” is a trigger; it is trauma; and it can present itself everywhere and anywhere.

However, I don’t think we are always purposely trying to challenge each other. I imagine that it is more about reaching out to those in our environment like lifelines or security ropes (as we are all trying to navigate our way through this world) and relying on those around us to fulfill their expected duties in whatever role they are playing. What I mean is that we expect a parent to do “parenty stuff”, a teacher to do “teachery stuff”, a friend to do friend stuff, etc. I think this might be a more salient or familiar part of our interactions: the expectation. Expectations answer the “what do I think is going to happen”;  “what I hope will happen”; and  “what do I want to happen” parts of interactions.  This can even be directed at how I expect to, hope to or want to be perceived and understood by others. We are social creatures after all, and so, reaching out to one another is just another part of socializing, albeit a bit clumsy one.

Coincidentally, no one necessarily “explicitly” teaches us how to navigate this world nor our interactions. Instead, they unwittingly model it for us. And since, as children, we tend to absorb a lot very quickly, it is a seamless process, for the most part, to go from the little child in their own body to the funny, quirky, unruly, shy, capable child in the home and then at school and then as the adult later at work (or wherever we end up). We see a lot, we interpret a lot (and a lot is done subconsciously), and we test how well it functions for us. We also use the responses we receive as feedback clues on how well our perceptions of “being” actually are and whether to reinforce or quell certain behaviors. Ultimately, we are rather adept detectives for figuring out social cues, and the most sage among us are usually the most successful in orchestrating their social interactions, whatever their personal goals may be. Intentions aside, we mostly reproduce what we’ve seen and use our best guesses to determine how to interact with each other.

Now the challenging part. When I say we challenge each other, I think about some of my interactions and some of my responses, particularly the triggering ones. I can very neatly presuppose my interpretation of those interaction with a silently woven  sense of “What are you going to do (can you do) if…”. And my responses in these moments may very well also be prefixed with the same challenge. It’s the “ping-pong”, “give-and-take” of social interactions and relationships. This challenging, back-and-forth dialogue can be rather common in romantic, intimate relationships, even without the “What are you going to do if..”  Sometimes, each person is just pushing one another a bit further as a cry for help. In both my personal and professional experience, I’ve often seen disputes take on this format and spiral out of control and deviate completely from whatever the initial complaint may have been. Consider the following example:

I come downstairs and see my wife in the kitchen. I approach her to give her a kiss good morning, and she pulls away from me. I ask, “What’s going on? Is everything alright?” She gives me a look of annoyance, sighs and walks away from me into the living room.

Now, let’s add in some expectations:

I come downstairs and see my wife in the kitchen (expecting to start my day off well). I approach her to give her a kiss good morning (expecting that she will kiss me back), and she pulls away from me (possibly expecting to hurt my feelings due to some wrong she has perceived or to get my attention immediately drawn to the existing problem). I ask, “What’s going on? Is everything alright? (expecting a response that explains what just happened)” She gives me a look of annoyance, sighs and walks away from me into the living room (possibly wanting space or wanting engagement in a discussion).

The interesting point to draw here is that even though we only have direct access to our own expectations, we tend to (or at least I have a tendency to) guess the expectations of those around me. The smartest, but not easiest, thing to do would be to not guess but instead be curious and openly ask. Now let’s add the challenges:

I come downstairs and see my wife in the kitchen (expecting to start my day off well…). (What is she going to do if…) I approach her to give her a kiss good morning (expecting that she will kiss me back), and (What is he going to do when [I]…) she pulls away from me (possibly expecting to get my attention immediately drawn to the existing problem). (What is she going to do if…) I ask, “What’s going on? Is everything alright? (expecting a response that explains what just happened)” (What is he going to do if [I]…) She gives me a look of annoyance, sighs and walks away from me into the living room (possibly wanting space or wanting engagement in a discussion).

Feeling challenged by the other person contributes to this dynamic because the underlying expectations are being met with unexpected responses. Therefore, waiting on an expected response that doesn’t come can lead to frustration and, in my experience, upping the ante. Usually, an unmet expectation leads to a subsequent increased challenge. This isn’t absolute of course, but when expectations behind patterned behaviors are met with automatic responses, the things we learned about the world and how it worked from our childhood can manifest in unpleasant ways. When I reflect on past arguments, I can recognize the presence of two hurt inner children talking to one another with rather limited resources. The key to healing this wound, for me, was to find the space in myself to disarm this loaded and supposed question and to find a new way to reformulate my interactions.

If interactions are arenas where inevitable and required responses must play out, then why am I allowing the challenge to be defined by the person issuing them? “What are you going to do if…” is more properly placed in the subconscious space that precedes my own response system. In an interaction like the one above, we could switch the challenges from being question of “What is she going to do if I…” to “What am I going to do now that he…” Like this:

Partner 2: I come downstairs and see my wife in the kitchen (expecting to start my day off well…). (What is she going to do if…) I approach her to give her a kiss good morning (expecting that she will kiss me back), and

Partner 1: (Is he expecting me to just kiss him and act like nothing is wrong? What is he going to do when [I]…What am I going to do with him trying to kiss me?...) I pull away from him.

Partner 2: (Is she possibly expecting to get my attention immediately drawn to some existing problem? What is she going to do if…  What am I going to do now that she pulled away from me when I tried to kiss her and have a nice morning?…) I ask, “What’s going on? Is everything alright? (expecting a response that explains what just happened)”

Partner 1: (Does he really not know? What is he going to do if [I]… What am I going to do with him not knowing that everything is not alright and I have to explain it to him?...) She gives me a look of annoyance, sighs and walks away from me into the living room…

The thing is that this “What are you going to do if…?” can be a sort of unspoken challenge that hangs somewhere in between our actions just under the surface of what is being said or done. Through some soul-searching and reflection, I had discovered that sometimes interactions can become a battle between two formidable foes and that one person wins and the other capitulates or yields. These “battles” permeate our culture. I had seen it at home, at school, at work, in religious institutions. It is present in our stories, movies, songs, culture. There is a protagonist and an antagonist, and one must prevail. I feel it is safe to suggest that I am not the only person to have born witness to this. A good portion of history is set upon the idea of challenging relationships between two opposing forces, and the victor is never ultimately decided. It is, instead, an ongoing battle with no beginning and no end. This is present in Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Capitalism, Feudalism, Communism, Nihilism, Stoicism, mythology from Egypt, Greece, Rome and the Norse, and the list goes on: opposing sides provoking and challenging each other to prove and defend itself. Let’s take our previous example and let it play out.

Partner 1: I go into the living room and sit on the couch.

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now that she went into the living room. Is she expecting me to follow her or giver her space?  What is she going to do if…) I follow her to ask her what is wrong (expecting her to open up to me).

Partner 1: (What am I going to do now that he has followed me into the living room, completely oblivious? Is he expecting me to not be upset about him sleeping in again? What is he going to do if…) I tell him that he should already know because we just talked about it last week and he does this all of the time (expecting him to immediately remember and recognize that he let me down).

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now that she accused me of doing something wrong and that apparently I always do it? Is she expecting me to just give in and be wrong when I don’t what she is talking about? What is she going to do if…) I tell her I don’t know what she is talking about (expecting to have a conversation about it).

Partner 1: (What am I going to do now that he actually doesn’t remember? Is he expecting to just blame this on me? What is he going to do if…) I tell him that he woke up too late, again, and I needed his help with the kids this morning while I completed some tasks for my job (expecting him to actually remember and apologize for his error).

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now that she is telling me I slept in on a Saturday when she doesn’t work? Is she expecting me to magically know when she does or doesn’t have work?  What is she going to do if I…) I tell her I forgot about. It’s the weekend, and I need to be reminded when she needs my help (expecting her to acknowledge that there was a lapse in communication).

Partner 1: (What am I going to do now that he is somehow putting this back on me? Is he expecting me to be his mother?  What is he going to do if…) I tell him I shouldn’t have to remind him every time I need him to just be a present father (expecting to appeal to his sense of responsibility to his family).

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now that she accused me of being an absent father? Is she trying to hurt me and bully me into being her lackey? What is she going to do if…) I tell her I am a present father, and this shouldn’t be all on me to remember her schedule (expecting her to acknowledge that I am a present father and she went too far).

Partner 1: (What am I going to do now that he is making this about him instead of us? Is he expecting me to manage everything? What is he going to do if…) I tell him that I wrote it on our calendar, and he should check it (expecting him to come to his senses and see that I did actually remind him).

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now that she pointed out that I should have known because she wrote it in the calendar? I should have looked, but I hate not talking. Does she think she can get away with the calendar when I repeatedly asked for communication? What is she going to do if…) I tell her that I would rather have live communications than just impersonal, transcribed notes in an agenda (expecting her to acknowledge that I don’t like having to consult an agenda when it’s easier to talk about it).

Partner 1: (What am I going to do now that he again putting this back on me when he slept in? Does he expect this to just go away?  How is he going to react if…) I ask him if it is that hard to just check the calendar (expecting him to admit he made a mistake).

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now that she is refusing to acknowledge we already discussed how I hate the calendar thing? Is she just expecting me to capitulate and say she is right?  What is she going to do if…) I ask her if it is that hard to just talk to me instead of using some intermediary (expecting her to admit she is just as much at fault for not communicating).

Partner 1: (What am I going to do now that he refuses to take ownership of his actions and still wants me to admit I’m wrong? Is he expecting me to give in to him and accept him manipulating the situation? What is he going to do if I…) I tell him he is acting just like his mother (expecting him to see how he is manipulating the situation like she used to).

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now that she is attacking my mother? Is she just trying to hurt me?  What is she going to do if…) I tell her that she is just acting like her father, inconsiderate and expecting everyone to drop what they are doing for him (expecting her to realize she is being totally self-centered).

Partner 1: (What am I going to do now that he went just as low as I did? Is he expecting that to work?  What is he going to do if…) I tell him not to bring my father into this because he knows it is a sore subject (expecting him to ease off a bit).

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now that he went just as low as I did? Is she expecting that to work?  What is he going to do if…) I tell her that she should remember that when she decides to bring my mother into it (expecting her to acknowledge that she went there first).

Partner 1: (What am I going to do now? He just doesn’t care. Does he not care?  What is he going to do if…) I tell him that I don’t think this is working anymore (expecting him to see how much he’s hurting us).

Partner 2: (What am I going to do now? She just doesn’t care. Is this what she wanted all along? What is she going to do if…) I tell her that I guess that this is what she always wanted (expecting her to say that it’s not what she wants)….

We can see how this unspoken challenge (that is often not at all recognized) can eventually spiral out of control and lead to things being said that are rather far away from our expectations and were probably never intended. I know I have personally fallen victim to feeling challenged and feeling like I needed to react to defend myself in such a way that I have ended up saying things I didn’t want to say. Equally, I’ve seen others feel challenged in our interactions, and they end up saying things they didn’t mean or want to say either. After a lot of reflection, I started to wonder what I could do to have a better outcome. How could I disarm the challenge and ask a better question?

I tried taking the  “What are you going to do if…” and put my own spin on it. How might I respond if  I transformed “What are you going to do if…” to “What do I want to do now that you…”; or better yet “How would my “ideal self” respond to…” This new formulation becomes softer and more freeing. For me, “going to do” versus “want to/would do” implies 2 different things. First, “going to do” is challenging, whereas “wanting to do” is inviting. I can tell you that I feel more invited to safely explore my options when what I want to do is considered. “Going to do” seems more like an ultimatum where I am obliged to do something or that there is some moral imperative to react. What if I don’t want to do anything? What if the challenge presented is not my problem? What if I would rather be supportive? That is the second problem with “going to do”; it comes across as if whatever happened is my fault, and it is up to me to fix it. When I ask it as “want to do”, this is no longer implying responsibility, nor do I feel that I am the cause of the situation. I have more freedom to act outside of “the arena” as an empathetic audience member who can choose to support the combatant in the face of their situation without feeling like I am in the arena against them. “What do I want to do…” is empowering; it is validating; it is collaborative.

Let’s revisit the previous example one last time with this new formulation…

Partner 1: (What is he going to do if…) I go into the living room and sit on the couch. (?)

Partner 2: (What do I want to do now that she rejected my kiss and went into the living room? I want to have a good morning with her, and she seems upset. What can I do to support her so that we salvage this morning together? I love her after all. What is she going to do if…) I follow her to ask her what is wrong. (?)

Partner 1: (What would the “ideal me” do now that he is asking what is wrong? We have talked about this, and I really wish he would just pay more attention. I am having a hard time at work, and there is so much going on that I feel overwhelmed. I really need his help. But I never told him that about work. I’m just so exhausted I wish he would just see it. I’m tired of having to explain and prove myself to everyone. But he does love me. I do love him. Maybe I could open up and tell him more of what’s bothering me… What is he going to do if…) I tell him that he should already know because we just talked about it last week and he does this all of the time work has been overwhelming, and I know we talked about him waking up earlier to help me with the kids, but I also meant on the weekends. I’m not feeling as supported as I wish I were. (?)

Partner 2: (How would the “ideal me” respond to her not feeling supported? I didn’t realize how hard her job was. I didn’t realize she also had work to do on the weekends, this is new… I can see that the main problem isn’t me, but I could be more supportive now that I know she is struggling. What is she going to do if…) I tell her I don’t know what she is talking about didn’t know work was that overwhelming and I didn’t realize you also meant on the weekends. I’m sorry I slept in, I hope you know I’m not abandoning you. How can I do more to support you in this? 

When I take the time to disarm and defuse the “What are you going to do…”, I have the space to self-regulate and to respond more clearly, more honestly and more authentically. I’m no longer reacting, I’m responding. By repositioning myself to “What do I want to do…” or “What would my “ideal self” do…”, I have more authorship in my narrative. I have more agency in my response because “What do I want to do…” is not aggressive; it’s not obliging; there is no pressure or urgency to respond. I’m not interpreting blame or fault. I have the space to connect to what I want from the situation. I have the opportunity to be who I want to be in those situations; I become a collaborator and not an adversary.

“What are you going to do…” pushes me to rifle through my repository of information of what I learned about how to handle these situations and forces a choice. “What do I want to do…” gives me authentic license over the moment and encourages connecting to myself, connecting to the moment, and even to the situation, without being attached. It is easier to be a collaborative partner in my interactions when I don’t feel forced or threatened to respond. It is easier to be the person I hope to be for those around me when I invite my own wants and needs into the interactions. It is easier to be myself when I’m not attached to patterned behaviors, expectations or insinuations and instead explore my social landscape with curiosity and compassion. “What would the “ideal me” do…” helps me be “more me” when triggering interactions arise, and when I need “me” the most.